i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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