just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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