trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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