Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
