Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
