I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
