u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
