I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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