i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
