Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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