Say something about gay babies.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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