where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
