As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
