btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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