This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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