Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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