I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
