he shaved USA in his pubs
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
