Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
