woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
