Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
