Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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