I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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