i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She bit a glass in half.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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