if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
