I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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