I skipped work to stalk him.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
