I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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