as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
