You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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