Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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