; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
