Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
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I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
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You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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