in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
