I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Im part way to drunk.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
