He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
