im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
