Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
