if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
