how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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