girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
