I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
