she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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