Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize