so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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