I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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