If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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