Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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