you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
