I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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