My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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